What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 07:12
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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My family never makes their pension either.
But it wasn’t much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Necessitatibus ipsa sequi animi dolores molestiae.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We were not on the streets..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He resisted the act ,that day.
I think the readers, may guess!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My life is so biszare .
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But ive been too sick for many years..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im still living with it.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was scared of men, in general
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Comes on , in middle age.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was very sick at this time too.
I was seconnd youngest,
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She loved him until the end.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
This is soul school!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We all went to grammer schools
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It was going to be , some day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But, we were locked up after school.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot live in the past .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And i lived it daily.
I don,t even have a pension.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What did i know ?
I was 9 years of age.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He knew the spot.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Would this be the day?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I said to her
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
All the time i was locked up.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I have no regrets .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I will be 64.
So whats the point in blame.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
(And it was in our own minds.)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was in good health!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Who then, do I blame.?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Ive learnt so much.
She married twice! .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She found it foreign!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So, i spoilt her more .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I waited trembling.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
When she asked me how she looked .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I write beautiful poetry .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Put me off passion for life!!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).